P2H3 Run #858 - Leaking Duck’s (T)horny Bush Bash

Run Date: 25/05/2008

Hares: Leaking Duck, Flying Plod (walk)

Run Report: Rubbed Raw

You know when the Hash has had too much of a good thing, when there was a general grumble heard in the pack when it was announced that a Leaking Duck Hared hash would not end up at his house, and in the swimming pool! For once HE Leaking Duck decided he would quite like a Sunday night alone in his own pool and so took the Hash away from his house just south of Tak Mao to the riverside.

A territory familiar to any who cycle regularly in the Phnom Penh viscinity, this is a pretty spot, and the still swollen numbers (we are clearly doing something wrong - more smut required!) of the pack started off over a rickety wooden bridge. The riverside trail, had those familiar with the area thinking this was to be a bridge to bridge run. But no, the Leaking one had other ideas, this was in fact to be a Bush Bash into the barren wilderness of the Cambodian hinterland.

Soon after the start, a rampant horned cow faced up to the pack, and tried to take prisoners by lassoing with its tether rope. Naomi had rope burns as evidence (more of that later), and numerous others narrowly missed a goring by this Pamplona wannabee! The trail continued on an incredibly well marked trail. So worried was the hare about losing people he kindly marked the trail every 50m or so. The Hash Horn was quite out of puff  by the end having to perform at each and every mark!

The trail really descended into the wild and unforgiving bush soon after the Half way point (where the rickety bridge crossing, mini hash truck was again brought into action). Shoulder high bush and thorns kept the pack wondering how did the hare ever find his way out of this! Good marking kept the shorter members of the hash from becoming lost forever in the deep vegetation, however there could still be some Hashers fighting their way out now!

Everyone now safely (despite the multiple thorn cuts sustained) back crossed over the same rickety bridge to the truck, there was the rare experience of daylight still remaining at the end! Impromptu volleyball games on the banks of the river threatened to delay the circle, but GM Blah Blah pulled them into order after much gesticulation (as is ever the case with Blah Blah!). The circle welcomed a reasonable number of virgins, and some notable returnees such as Sir Wankalot (great name) back into the fold. Temporary RA, Rubbed Raw, cleansed the sins of many a wayward hashers for their outrageous sins, none however as big as Tokyo Joe, sporting the whitest new shoes imaginable. He took the punishment, dealt out by his good self to many a hasher under his prior RA realm before, with honour (apart from the plastic bag concealed in an effort to preserve the glue in his new shoes!). He downed a whole tins worth of Anchor to the cheers of the crowd, and complete disbelief of the locals, from his shiny white shoe.

Onto the serious business of naming, with two prime candidates being Josh and Naomi, now completing over 10 runs, and hared in prior weeks, begged to become part of the named fraternity. Unlike prior weeks, of lame naming, the Hash this week did not dissappoint! Naomi’s earlier reported encounter with the cow, honered her with the dubious title of being a ‘Horny Cow‘ and Josh, who had uttered to Blah Blah at the outstation hash in Can Tho that he wanted man breasts, will be known forever more as Milky Discharge despite his protests!

The ON ON ON was at the place opposite Steve’s Steakhouse, where the beer rockets flew and the heavens finally opened, too late though to claim any truck riding hasher though.

On On!

P2H3 Run #857 - Let there be Paddy!

Run Date: 18/05/2008

Hares: Phlegm, Chickpea, Fabien & Judith

Run Report: HE Blah Blah

And on the Saturday the RA spaketh thus, “Let there be rain, for it maketh the paddy soggy to the touch”, and the heavens opened and the floods issue forth, and it was good. [Hops 13:12]

A healthy wet weather pack of hardened souls met at the train station in eager anticipation of the coming hash set by not one, nor two but four hares.  It was off past the Killing Fields where we were informed by Phlegm that the Western side of the road had been selected due to the fact the Eastern side was now flooded; oh the cruelty of a false sense of security.

The pack headed off with gay abandon through some villages however all too soon we were in the paddy.  At first going was sloppy however manageable, yet slowly did the land recede and the waters rise.  Eventually we could ignore it no longer with Josh and Hugo plunging into the crotch high waters followed by Mr Tinkle who handed out the helpful advice that one should “keep feeling the dyke”.  After wading through groin high water and paddy mud the pack re-surfaced on an embankment to discover some hashers had leeches attached to them.  This resulted in an unseemly flurry of activity as shoes were discarded and groins vigorously inspected (with some disturbingly thorough inspections of the more attractive members of the pack by some of less aesthetically advantaged).  Wannacracker had lost the sole of his shoe in the paddy which was miraculously discovered by returnee Sir Songman.  Blah Blah thought this a hilarious turn of events right up to the point the bottom of his own shoes fell off 500m further down the track.

Eventually a sodden however cheerful pack arrived at the halfway to discover the truck had gone to the wrong pagoda.  Runs Well went for a quick jog and retrieved the lost vehicle with its precious cargo of beer.  The second half proved quicker than the first and the pack managed to come in not long after the walkers who had gone the wrong way on a number of occasions in their meander along various lanes, alleys and decidedly drier paddy.

The circle was full of vim and vigour with Little Boy providing a number of financially related down downs and Herring Choker drinking on the occasion of Norwegian Independence.  The hares were commended for a soggy, muddy yet well marked trail.  Shoe down downs were given to Blah Blah and Tob Sarakuck which left a bad taste in the mouth of all and sundry.  Mystery whips STD and Comes Analy drew in a number of other sinners for reasons varying from the sublime to the ridiculous.  The circle finished with a fine rendition of Swing Low and we were off to Welkommen Inn where the hash was treated to a traditional Norwegian meal of Indian curry and rice.

P2H3 Run #856 - Only for the Hardcore

Run Date: 11/05/2008

Hares: Flaccido Domingo, Josh, Naomi

Run Report: Mr Tinkle

Brief rain showers earlier in the day along with hangovers resulting from Saturday night’s excesses were enough to ensure a noticeable drop off in attendance for this week’s hash.  Conspicuous through their absence were Leaking Duck (last seen wondering the grounds of Duck Hall clutching a bottle of Veuve Clicquot), Tokyo Joe (last seen staggering towards his car) and Flying Plod (last seen being towed down the Tonle Bassac towards Vietnam).  

Taking charge this week was unstoppable hash hare Flaccido Domingo, with co-hares Josh and Naomi assisting.  From the station we traveled south out of town, through Ta Khmau, past Duck Hall, and to the start point near Setbou.

The preliminary formalities over, a somewhat jaded pack trotted off along the main road before turning off left towards the river at the first check.   It wasn’t long before any hope of remaining dry was dashed, as runners were forced to splash through the sandy edges of the Bassac river.  FRBs reaped the benefits of being at the head of the pack when the time came to climb the steep river bank, which quickly turned into a muddy slipway.

Back ‘up top’, we soon reached the first holding check, where Runs Well was waiting for us with incriminatingly dry and clean feet, having short cut most of the first stage.  Most hashers had at this point lost the will to go on, and hare Flaccido had to use all his powers of leadership to get the lackluster pack back up and running.

During the next stage, it became clear that the hares were attempting to claim some new hash records including those for; longest ever distance between a hold and the first mark; longest ever distance with no marks; longest ever false trail.  Picking up the main road, a 300 metre run-in took us to the halfway point where our beloved hash truck was waiting to refresh us. 

Predictably, the second half took us back along the other side of the main road, the trail weaving its way west through a patchwork of gardens and small holdings.  A dire lack of markings in the latter stages of the run guaranteed that the pack spread out to such an extent that most hashers struggled on under the illusion of running alone.  In the end, it was Mr. Tinkle and Mindy who made it home first, only to be accused later by Runs Well of short cutting the final leg.

 After allowing ample time to guzzle down a couple of cans of delicious Anchor beer, G.M. Blah Blah convened the circle, in which the first item of business saw the hash welcome several virgins and two foreign spies from Koh Samui, Thailand.  Welcomed back as returnees were Sir Walter, Barley Able and - for reasons only known to Bronco Buster - Just Add Beer, who hasn’t missed a run in weeks.

 The aforementioned Just Add Beer then took over as stand-in RA., and oversaw punishments for a variety of crimes including short cutting by Runs Well & Mr. Tinkle.  Local hashers discovered that a lack of understanding is no defense in the eyes of the law, when they had their charges of truck riding and food shopping read to them in the vernacular - jee laan and ding mahoob cried the mob. Festering Chronic Masturbator was then tackled by the circle on the matter of his new hash shorts; the whereabouts of which remain a mystery.

Recently erected G.M. Blah Blah then decided that the time had come to award Anna Marie with the dubious honour of a hash name.  Anna Marie was ushered into the circle and the G.M. invited suggestions from the crowd.  Several proposals worthy of consideration were made including Ambassador’s Orifice and Comes Bi-Anally, only to be pooh-poohed, however, by the ever more present namby-pamby element of our hash, in favour of something so embarrassingly lame that I cannot even bring myself to report it.  Forgive them, Gispert, for they know not what they do!

With day all but having given way to night, there remained just time enough for another beer or two before mounting up and returning to the city.  This week’s on on on was held at Pasteur restaurant.

On On

Note: Hash Trash would like to commend Mr Tinkle again on a first rate report. The powers of technology have even allowed this report to be added to the blog in deepest darkest Vietnam Central highlands,  where HT will remain for this weekend and miss run 857, so will need someone to write a report please!

P2H3 Run #855 - Koh Dach Viking Pillage!

Run Date: 04/05/2008

Hares: STD, Anna-Maria Nugent, Tinkle Spinner

Run Report: Rubbed Raw

As the rain threatened yet again in the early wet season arrival in Phnom Penh, the few who braved the truck looked with trepidation at the darkening skies. The excessive, convoy of 10 Bourgeoise carraiges increased the P2H3’s carbon footprint by pumping another few tonnes of Carbon Dioxide into the atmosphere on their way to the furthest north ferry to Koh Dach.

A return to the spot where the infamous, UXO yeilding, beach fee avoiding run of a few months ago set by last weeks hares, Ikea and Rubbed Raw was as picturesque, shady and mad dog infested as ever! The Hares STD, Anna-Maria and Tinkle Spinner were waiting on the island having set the trail the few hours before. With many Virgins this week, STD provided an entertaining 101 on Hash marking to guide them on their way. Among the pack this week was the largest Norwegian contingent ever seen on the Hash with over 8 Viking Hashers ready to rape and pillage. Luckily Norweigens these days are far better mannered, and the Koh Dach Islanders had no need to lock up their gold or daughters (apart from when they saw STD)

No sooner had the pack started along the banks of the Mekong Island, had confusion already set into the pack. Some Short Cutting Front Running Bastards, including Blah Blah, Phlegm and Wannacracker failed to see the alleged cross on the main road, and missed a loop or two of the trail, splitting the pack. But the first Hold point brought the pack together gallantly led in by Naomi who managed to find the loops!

The trail set off into the cow trodden inner plains of the island, where in general the trail, still with fresh paint was well marked. Occassional encounters with mud patches and very scratchy bushes were common, with a lovely jaunt down to the banks on the East of the island to keep the tourist element of the pack snapping. The improvised, ferry fitting Leaking Duck stand in Hash Truck was located for half way, and the huge pack, both walkers and runners, caused traffic chaos as they filled the thoroughfare with their vast numbers.

After the half way there was a brief trudge into the stinking ponds of the middle island, likened to the pits of Valhalla (the Norwegians felt at home here!) and the pack were soon on the trail again! Even returnee Longshanks found himself an FRB as the clever trail confused many an experienced hasher. WannaCracker and Herring Choker led the pack home still in light for the ferry to cross back to the waiting car park of climate warming affluence!

In the massive circle, the pack lamented the days run, “Not enough dogs, cows or scratchy bush things yelled the beer fueled crowd!!” The large pack of Virgins were aptly serenaded to Leaking Ducks swinging Phallus, with visitors also from Luxembourg, France, and other places now forgotten in the aging pits of Hash Trash’s memory! Love Bite, stand-in Excellency RA, doled out the punishments to the aforementioned SCBs struggling over the shouts of STD, Leaking Duck, to make herself heard, as she called the names of arch beautification criminals, Piglet and Hit on Me amongst others to be punished accordingly.

But the best entertainment of the evening was for the (excessively long and theatrical) regaling of the story of a certain hasher Lilia’s enjoyment of the long truck journey on the cab last week, where the vibrations, especially during the detour, put a big smile on her already beaming face! Suggested names such as Good Vibrations, Dildo, No Batteries Included were all dismissed by the circle for the no 1 selling female entertainment aid Pink Rabbit, which henceforth she be known for evermore! Should she dare to ever hash again outside these shores, for fear of meeting other creepy Ohio Hasher equivalents!!

The On On On, back to the Golden Cabbage on 184 which were uncharacteristically slow, but the beer rockets kept the hungry pack amused in the meantime. An On On On On (now this is getting silly HT) was promised at Vilkommen Inn to cap the Viking theme, but no-one bothered to turn up, pikers!

ON ON!

Hash Haberdashers Message: Going Cheap! P2H3 Hash Shorts, worn only once (by Fester!!) slightly soiled but label tags intact! In fact P2H3 will pay you to wear them (unwashed)!!

P2H3 Run # 854 - A spit in the Bassac

Date: 27/4/08

Hares: Rubbed Raw (run), Ikea (walk)

Run report: Ikea

Alright, it was a very very long truck ride, especially when it was blinding hot on the way there and rained on the way back. And the hares probably should have checked out that detour around the broken bridge which took the truck virtually to the outskirts of Saigon, but in their defence, who could have predicted that it would be such a crappy road?

The actual run/walk went pretty well. The hares showed excellent instincts (Bassac Instinct) by exploring a new dry season hashing location. The trail first took the pack across a sand bridge (spit) to a lovely little island 50 metres off the bank. No money wasted on ferries here.

There were numerous false trails at every check and Front Running Bastard Herring Choker had to check each one of them out himself. His Norwegian visitors were cross country skiing a week before, so understandably they found the heat and the pace a touch warm and they generously let him do the checking work. It was heartening to see rehabilitating Hash fashion uber-guru Flying Plod back in action with the runners for the first half.

Meanwhile the walkers rambled along, keeping the runners within reach for a while. We arrived at the far end of the island where the locals were just recovering from the sight of large not-very-nimble barangs attempting to cross a channel by way of a rudimentary log-bridge. The whole thing was a fabulous set up for slapstick comedy and apparently there were some hash splashes. Little Boy got particularly moist, but there were others. The locals then got a second helping of entertainment as the walkers tried to make the crossing. Coming last, Chronic Festering Masturbator found it a little hard to grip the slippery beam and he did not take kindly to the local kids offering to shake it for him. We all made it across one way or another and the pack ambled over the beach and up to the half-way point.

The runners had already departed on the second half of their journey when we arrived. At the half-way truck we were joined by STD and others who like to mix their run with a bit of a talk ‘n walk. Not sure what happened on the run in the second half. I’m sure they found a lot of false trails though.

The circle took place under the eaves of a nice roadside shelter. There was a mass of virgins for GM Blah Blah to initiate in the Way of the Hash. Unusually, there were very few punishments handed out. A very well-behaved hash.

Hares intending to set a run in this excellent location again would be wise to look into the ferries that run from the other side of the river. Accessible via the road south of Tahkmau.

ON ON