P2H3 Run #874 - Erection Week, Up Sh*t Creek with no Paddle!

Run Date: 31/8/2008

Hares: Leaking Duck, Phlegm, Chickpea (walking)

Run Report: Kate

The Poseidon adventure continues for the hash as they endure another soaking.  On the bright side, hashers’ free-style and backstrokes have improved considerably.

Summer break is over and the virgins have drifted back to their native shores, only to be replaced by a boatload of foreign spies, including an entire family of hashers.  “I was born on the hash!” exclaimed the son.  Good lord.

After a brief stop at the Leaking Duck mansion, the runners and walkers were segregated and the runners dumped at a pagoda 8km south.  Hashers predicted an easy run due to the erections and gala slated for later that evening, but the hares had other plans.  True to character, Phlegm (on his 150th Hare) set a lengthy A to B run in the verdant, drenched countryside, through rice paddies and into the forest.  True to his hash name, Leaking Duck sent us through crotch-skimming water (see hash snaps for frightening evidence of Flying Plod and Phlegm trying to keep their, um, shorts dry).  Perhaps hash haberdashery could whip us up some rubber hip-waders.  Rubbed Raw, in possession of the golden horn, played a mournful sea shanty as the pack slogged, single file, grumbling about leaches and water snakes.  “This is just like the Vietnam war!” exclaimed a young hasher.  Yes, that’s exactly what it was like, as STD mounted a submarine attack from the grimy depths.

Just when the pack emerged onto dry land, thanking heaven for deliverance from all things wet, black clouds began to roll in across the sky.  True to character, the rainy season did its thing and we were soon running under pounding rain.  Over the din of the storm you could hear hashers exclaiming things like, ‘hey, it’s wet!‘ and, ‘I didn’t know it would rain?!‘  Were it not called the rainy season, one might sympathize with these soggy whingers.

Many of the roads turned instantly into muddy rivers, causing much slipping, sliding and whining, though hashers are now sporting curiously fresh, glowing skin from all the mud (people in L.A. pay big money for the stuff).  One foreign spy got trapped in the mud, requiring a deep-sea rescue, Blah Blah twisted his ankle, and it turns out Blitzkrieg’s teleporter can transform into a hydroplane and he was seen cruising by in a Panama hat, puffing a Cuban cigar.

The pack eventually found the pagoda where the truck was moored, and it was a smooth sailing back, marred only by a condom-clad, hitch-hiking Tokyo Joe and his unfortunate companion (in a fetching French condom).  Once the truck anchored at the port, hashers stampeded off, over Leaking Duck’s cries to hose off before diving into his pool.

Water-logged hashers gathered around the grill for warmth, while a few brave souls went swimming (hopefully the same ones complaining about getting wet earlier).  Blah Blah rounded up the circle and the erections were underway.  Voting machines from Palm Beach county, Florida were brought in for the occasion, and a free and unfair erection followed (see Erection Results 2008 for details).

Afterwards, the hares were showered with many complaints about rain (this again?), mud, insects, heat, basically all the things you’d expect to find in the rural areas of a tropical, developing country.  Newly erected and raring to go RA Flaccido Domingo strode to the pulpit ready to take over the flock, but was wrestled to the ground by acting RA Rubbed Raw, who still had legal control over the wayward hashers and wanted one last chance to flog the sinners.  Those being forced to walk the plank:  Paulette for not being able to hold her water, Wannacracker for tripping over cow tethers, STD for charging through the water, Fester for shameless public nudity, Tokyo Joe for general shamelessness (he actually lifted his condom and flashed some leg to get the driver to stop).

With Blah Blah back at the helm, the old committee was banished and the new committee (who bore a striking resemblance to the predecessors), were ushered in.  The smell of roasting meat and darkening skies were drawing hashers’ attention away, but it was Chickpea’s damning charge to Blah Blah, pointing to his shorts, that she saw no sign of this heavily-touted erection that caused an abrupt end to the circle and got us all to the dinner table.  Merci, mon cherie.

A divine feast followed, with hashers warmed by the fire, breaking into song, and drowning in beer.  Many thanks to all who helped prepare, and much gratitude to Leaking Duck and Pissalot for their hospitality and for a lovely evening.

On On!

P2H3 Run #865 - Skun Run To Remember Dog on Heat

Hares: Runs Well, Wannacracker and Sarsy

Date: 5/7/08

Run report: Ikea

This Saturday marked 100 days (or near enough to) since our good friend and FRB Dog on Heat sprinted off into the sunset calling ‘On On and Up’ over his shoulder. About 15 hashers made it up the highway to Skun for the opportunity to pay respects at his gravesite.

It was damn warm out there in the fields. Running in the 11am sun at this time of year is for the dogs — though even the dogs were too sunstruck to attack with their normal gusto. Thoughtfully, Hares Sarsy, Wannacracker and Runs Well laid a short 5km dash, taking us around the brick kilns, through the fields and small lakes (with much leaping and squelching) and then back to the beer via a well-judged holding at Dog on Heat’s resting place. Apparently, in laying the trail, Sarsy had been lucky not become someone’s bitch in the local clink as his spraypainting attracted the attention of the gendarmerie (the charge: crop poisoning).

Back at the cars, formalities took place in the scant shade offered by a single palm tree. RA Rubbed Raw was in a benevolent mood or just befuddled after cycling the 80kms to Skun. When Dog on Heat proved unwilling or unable to join us for his down down, his potty was handed on to Runs Well. Walking terrorists Sandy Crevices and Lois received punishment for carelessly destroying a fish trap. The gaggle of curious local kids covered their ears during the hash songs (the lyrics were fine, it was the tune they found offensive). ‘You sure are no Krum Ngoys’, shouted one of the mini critics. GM Blah Blah then offered up a few short words (thanks be to God he doesn’t know any long ones!) concerning the occasion.

The group then adjourned to a Skun restaurant to swill the remainder of the beer and inspect the insect and spider situation. The live tarantulas are looking yummy yummy in my tummy and the cricket harvest seems to have been very strong this year. Good news.

ON ON

P2H3 Run # 863 - The Second Annual Red Dress Run

Date: 28/6/08

Hare: Bronco Buster

Run report: Ikea

About thirty runners and walkers flounced down to the post office for the start of Red Dress Run 2008. This, the second of the RDRs in P2H3 history, seems likely now to be an annual (note the correct spelling there) fixture on the Hash calendar. Around $160 was collected for Friends NGO.

Hare Bronco Buster, a vision in her lacy halloween-inspired frock, has been a vigorous promoter of the red dress run and this year she prepared for us a tour of the capital’s charities. The runners began with a circuit of Wat Phnom, where fine trumpet work from Milky Discharge (looking frankly monstrous in a little girl’s dress with a front pocket for the beer) made Sambo the elephant uneasy. The head scratching over the route then began at the first station. The charities were difficult to recognise (the CPP is a charity, eh?) or find when the street addresses on the worksheet did not compute with the actual situation on the ground as we found it in 2008. We all started off with pencils and paper but most threw them away and let conscientious student HE GM Blah Blah do all the filling-in.

One problem with the recent police crackdown on girlie bars and naughty dealings in the capital is that it forces individuals like Little (lady)Boy out onto the streets to take their chances. His curvaceous (possibly enhanced) red figure and flowing locks all topped by a glorious floral sun hat, was very NOW and attracted plenty of attention, turning inevitably to groping by motodops driven into an uncontrollable sex-frenzy. Madame Ovary was for once put in the shade by her counterpart and was reported to be wild with jealousy over Little Ladyboy’s suitors. As the only frocked up male on the walk it was truly a walk of shame by LB, so - respect.

The runners were almost all as beautifully turned out (Horny Cow, Kate and a virgin even managed to look as if a red dress was a normal part of their running wardrobe) but moving faster there was less time for the populace to become aroused. Foremost may have been Wankee Yankee in a cheesecloth-inspired effort and a curly wig. While he surely made a very fugly lady, his attention to small details, like that red garter, won him many admirering stares. Yap Yap and GM Blah Blah had the same dresses tailored for the run, and if Yap Yap managed to look good and run at the same time, Blah Blah (also bewigged) came over like a washed up tranny from a 1970s glam rock band.

The running group was led as usual by Rubbed Raw. His slutty red form powered away and it was notable that he made no attempt to ensure the material didn’t ride up his thighs. When Thida (Herring Choker’s other half) was later seen wearing the exact same outfit, but as a TOP, Rubbed Raw’s shameless harlotry was revealed for all to see. At one stage, he decided to run away from the group, only to come slutting back for moral support when he realised that in the group there was some context to what he was wearing.

The runners were wilting like roses in the hot conditions (this is why we normally run in the countryside, cooler) and the half-way stop at Friends was extremely welcome. We sucked down some red watermelon and water before handing over the collected cash to the Friends representative. All agreed that shortcutting home along the riverfront to the beer would be the best decision (naturally Phlegm had already done this) in the course of which Mr Tinkle was seen at a pub, not wearing red and claiming to be sick.

The circle took place in front of Pontoon. Shoppers like Kate (book buying must stop on this hash), a sarong wearing Wide Angle and others were reprimanded. For the first time in many moons, serial litigant Flaccido Domingo won a case brought against another hasher, this time by relating Nora’s sloppiness at performing her haring duties. The evidence was undeniable, the crime heinous. Flaccido was then himself duly punished for his very strange African dress/sarong/shorts ensemble and joined in purgatory by Tim in his vaguely red torn up shirt skirt. No points for trying. A bunch of hashers (including Paulette, Laverne and Piglet) were down downed for sitting in the circle and then the merriment finally adjourned to the Velkommen inn on street 104.  There hashers were treated to an elightening DVD of the original San Diego Red Dress Run (thanks to Bronco). We can see that next year we must try harder to sink the Red Dress Run to even greater depths of depravity.

ON ON

P2H3 Run #853 - PP Full Moon Run

Hares: Flip Flop, Lilia Tyrell

Run Date: 20/04/2008

Run Report: Phlegm (in Benglish)

This first Full Moon H was decided the same day on the truck going back to Phnom Penh after a good Flacido Domingo trail in Takhmao. After a few beers, a pink moon appeared on the left side of the road close to the Bassac River. Flip Flop saw it the first and proposed a night trail in Phnom Penh. Majority agreed specialy all the excited girls (including Love Bite) on the top of the cabin’s driver.

90% of the hashers from the On on on started the run & walk from the Chinese restaurant close to the Central Market: around 16 walkers and at least 6 crazy runners. The trail was marked with flour and the lucky Flip Flop made a live Hare with the nice Lilia Tyrell. Before leaving around 8H30 PM, the hares informed us that every corner should be Chekings. So, after 30m, the first check around was Monivong and Kampuchea Krom, one of the most busy corner of the capital. Walkers turned right direction Railway station with a body gard on his motorbike: Check Around. FRB Hugo Hotte from Canada Quebec, Flacido Domingo, Two Dogs, Love Bite and some virgins disappered in the night looking for marks in the dark…

Isodora Tang, new virgin in P2H3, complimented about her divine choice at the Sambo restaurant, was in front of the walkers when we arrived at Le Royal Raffles Hotel and later to her lightened Embassy. Piglet, Hit on Me and Padington Bra followed and ran to join us at the dark Wat Phnom Park reached precisely at 8H50 PM regarding the giant clock. Every night at that moment, under the trees, there are some Cambodian girls ready to give warmth… Suddently, we lost Fester. And Come Red Plodsky, returnee from New Zealand arrived late at the “On ! On ! On !” Velkommen Inn.

Arriving close to the post office, we checked a few girly streets to find the end. Finally, Herring Choker and his staf welcomed us with fresh beers and thousands pop corn. (clever guy with this so hot night). We founded the two hares very excited arguiing that we didn’t follow the good trail. Eh! Try to check at the Cambodian boulevards with the crazy drunk drivers at night time!!! Anyway, everybody enjoyed that first Full Moon H and the end of the night could have been an orgy in a private swimming pool… (HT - not sure what was going on at the end here!)

P2H3 - Run #846, On On the Flaccid one!

Run Date: 16/03/2008

Hares: Flaccido Domingo, Piglet (walk)

Run Report: Mr Tinkle

THE location of this year’s St Patrick’s Day run came as no surprise to anyone. Even if this week’s hare Flaccido Domingo hadn’t been spotted 24 hours earlier behaving suspiciously in the vicinity of the go-cart track, it would have been a safe enough bet that we’d be off hashing somewhere west of the city.

And so it was, with the temperature at a sultry 40 degrees, that sixty odd hashers alighted an overloaded cattle truck on the far side of Komboul race track. No one wanting to hang around any longer than necessary, G.M. Blackout quickly guided us through the usual pre-run formalities before handing over to the Flaccido, who made full use of his opportunity to prattle on incomprehensibly to the expectant gathering of eager hashers.

At last, with the rattle of automatic weapons fire in the distance, and the roar of a 737 overhead, we were off. Hashers fanned out in all directions, finding a number of false trails, before heading south towards road 4. It seemed for a time that we might be in for a re-run of Flaciddo’s infamous sewer hash, as we passed uncomfortably close to one of his favourite resettlement villages. At the last moment, however, we veered off to the west, crossing sugar palm dotted paddy fields, heading in the general direction of Ampil. The usual frenetic cows and demonic dogs were present in abundance and at one point the hare could be seen wielding a rather large stick at these poor dumb beasts. Tough Aussie hashers Blah Blah and Flip Flop came upon a snake as they ran along a paddy dyke: “Don’t worry, I don’t think it’s the poisonous kind,” declared Blah Blah, before making a hasty retreat back the way he’d come, with Flip Flop following on his heals.

Hashers took the opportunity of the much needed drinks break to berate the hare for his unorthodox marking style (on one, on two, on three! on four!! on five!!!) as well as to whinge about the inordinate length of the first half. Complaints were also voiced about the absence of Royal D, all of it having been filched prior to the arrival of even the most front running bastards.

The second half saw further deterioration in the quality of marking, and hence general confusion and havoc - without which no hash would be complete - soon infected the pack, causing it to disperse across an area several hundred yards wide. Eventually some semblance of a pack re-formed and found the trail, which then led through some kind of garment recycling centre (how do you do it, Flaccido?). It was at about this time that Phlegm (never too concerned about following a trail) was spotted asking a villager for directions to Kamboul. In the end, it was FRBs Wanna Cracker and Rubbed Raw who led the pack back to the finish.

Back at Kamboul, and with plenty of time before the walkers would return, hashers drifted over to the grassy eminence at the side of the race track to enjoy a cold Anchor beer in the last minutes of the afternoon before sundown.

When the walkers (misled this week by Piglet) eventually found their way home, a circle was formed and H.E. Blackout kicked off the proceedings with help from R.A. Blah Blah and stand-in choir master Tokyo Joe. It fell upon them to initiate five rather nervous looking virgins into the fraternity of hashers, and several regular hashers were honoured as anniversaroids.

A worryingly high number of hashers had to be called into the circle for sinning, with punishments being meted out in the form of green coloured down downs. In addition to the usual uniform offenses, the following crimes were particularly worthy of note: Rubbed Raw was rightly punished for his defiling of a much loved hash ditty; a hasher, who cannot be named for legal reasons, was brought forward on a charge of bovine molestation; Tokyo Joe, Just Add Beer and Sarsy offered little defense when charged with truck-riding. But surely one of the most abominable hash crimes imaginable was committed by Sloppy Seconds when he shamelessly admitted to his preference for a certain beer contained in gold coloured cans over the hard fought for Anchor beer - the beer of hashers!

On a happier note, our St. Patrick’s Day sponsor, hitherto known as Christine of Water Lilly Creations, was named Pearl Necklace, by which she will henceforth be known, the honour being bestowed in recognition of her much appreciated support of the Phnom Penh hash over several years.

In addition to the sad but not wholly unexpected news that our most venereal Grand Master, Black Out, and his much better half Insider will be running off to trails new in the next few weeks, announcements included the appointment of Squint as Web Master and Flaccido Domingo as Hash Beer.

In keeping with the St. Patrick’s Day theme, this week’s on-on-on was held at the Green Vespa, where Alan kindly laid on a special hashers’ Irish stew, and provided us with more cold beer than was probably good for us

P2H3 - Run #844 Leaking Duck pulls it off! Hash + Piss-up + Brewery!!

Click to enlarge trail map image

Run Date: 02/03/2008 RUN STATS

Hares: Blackout, Blah Blah, Leaking Duck (Honorary Hare)

Run Report: Ikea

Our sacred hash founder, Gispert, in his cups, once foretold seven levels of hashing enlightenment through which all hashes must pass on the way to the hash Nibbanah and, eventually, freedom from all earthly concerns, Angkor beer , etc etc etc, something about the Japanese coming, look out, etc etc. He really went on that guy and most of his trite homilies have rightly been forgotten.

However, he did indicate that organising a piss-up in a brewery, surrounded by doe-eyed virgins, was very near the apex of the hash experience. ‘Every river has its source’, he says, ‘as the Mekong bubbles forth from the icy heights of Tibet, so does the river of beer. Follow the beer river, find its source, and drink from it’.

It took a few years of failed expeditions and a wrong turn up the poisonous Angkor tributary. Bu today the Phnom Penh Hash achieved Gispert’s mission, sinking a very great number of free beers at the Tiger Brewery (Tiger is quite clearly the finest beer in the Asia-Pacific region). Credit must go first to Tiger Beer, then to Leaking Duck who now enters the annals of hashing folklore by pulling it off in fine style.

Hashers were given two choices for this day of days: 1) tour the brewery, drink beer, 2) run or walk, drink beer. Those who took option 1 were treated to an informative afternoon learning the mysteries of how hops, malt, water, sugar, oxygen all come together to form Anchor and Tiger, the drinks of hashers!

The run set by hares Blackout and Blah Blah was notable for its deviousness. Anticipating that runners would be hearing the siren song of the brewery calling them in, the trail defied expectation at every turn. Short cutting was inevitable and Flaccido Domingo, Runs Well, Wanna Cracker all succumbed disgracefully.

The brewery shenanigans lasted a number of hours. Yard glass were brought out for the sinners. And it is there my memory fails me badly (although I recall an interesting moment with Fester holding court at a table of hash beauties) as the Tiger beer was so fresh and abundant. Please refer to Yap Yap’s photos for more information (see link on right) on what went on. But I think it might be a bit like Woodstock, if you can remember what happened, you weren’t there…

P2H3 - Run #841, Valentine/Gispert Memorial

Click to enlarge map

Date: 10/02/2008  RUN STATS

Hare: Blah Blah, Bronco Buster (walk) 

Run Report: Ikea

Gispert would have been in raptures over this hash effort. Perhaps it lacked enough fart jokes and could have been a little more smutty, but nevertheless it got much else right and made a truck load of Valentine’s Day hashers all hot and sweaty and sticky.

Hare Blah Blah set a clearly marked little trail along the banks of the Bassac. There was very few ‘are you?’s and almost no ‘where the fuck am I’s?’ which make hashing so much fun, especially for FRB’s (Checkaround, take note). Many dastardly onbacks had Wanna Cracker, Dog on Heat and others constantly sprinting back and the pack managed to stay together exceedingly well.

Hashtrash feels nauseous from all this praise so let us also point out the large clump of biting red ants which should have been dealt with, but instead made life miserable for Flaccido, Herring Choker and one of our Virgins.

Back to praise: plenty of shade, a picturesque locale, and a well timed drinkstop at halfway where the walkers met the runners and all rubbed up against each other in the pre-Valentine’s day glow. Dangermouse was so excited by the general aura of healthiness that she set out on the run leg (ending metres later).

The circle took place in a comfortable natural amphitheatre (a pile of roadbuilding stones) and went for a very great length of time as down downs were handed out for all manner of infringements. The plentiful Asahi and Beer Lao made it far too difficult for me to remember the various charges.

Further distraction came from a Chinese Lion which sported around the circle accompanied by drums and a man with a fat red face (not a hasher, who was that bloke?). The hash contributed to the cultural exchange by offering the hungry lion a beer and a wooden penis. The later sight of Blah Blah in the front of the dragon costume along with Leaking Duck coming up the rear and brandishing his very hard baton, was one that few who saw it will ever forget.

ON ON

P2H3 - Run #835 Chinese New Year Run

Date: 04/02/2008, nr Takmao  RUN STATS

Hares: Blackout, Insider 

Run Report: Rubbed Raw

This was the end of the Year of the Pig and the start of the Year of the Rat (or is that a mouse?). How better to celebrate than to Hash Chinese Style courtesy of our Chinese cultural Attache Insider. A free T-shirt awaited the lucky hashers attending this hash, and not sponsored by the Secretary for once! The hash pack had many new virgins (of younger and female variety which pleased many of the male runners!) this week, oh and many children (will that censor the songs - no chance!).

Another Hash rarity was the marking of both the walk and the run, though the choice of red for the run (for obvious reasons) did strain the older member’s eyes, especially Fester who complained in his usual vociferous style, to pick out the nearly invisible marks. The Norwegian Family Robinson led out the walk, with great enthusiasm. Runners were spotted in the distance by the Hash Trash Scribe with the odd FRB (they’re all odd) spotted wandering aimless and lost, Herring Choker and Runs Well, clearly off trail again! Mr Tinkle enjoyed sprinting past Rubbed Raw (exiled again to the walk) for once in his hashing career as the walk and run met on occasion. Fester was seen up the rear, as it were, of the many new female virgins on the trail, was this any coincidence I wonder? By the state of Wide Angle’s shirt we presume the first half was a muddy one!

An excellent addition to the Chinese Hash is the addition of Gambai drinking at every Hold Point. Chinese Rice wine was dealt out in small cups to any infringement like being a Front Walking Bastard! by the eager hares. This should happen every week, why didn’t we think of that for the Robbie Burns Hash (a nice single malt would have gone down very well! and possibly up again after the Burns Supper the night before!)

The half way point had more Gambai’s after which Rubbed Raw, could stand it no more and joined the injured Flip Flop in a fast walk (a blatant attempt to escape the children!) following the runners. The return run/walk was shorter, and even included a nicely laid gravel surface for the sprinters in the group to get their running spikes into! Blah Blah on Hash Horn duty did a sterling job with decidedly more melody than the usual Hash Muse!

The circle was not held back in its songs by the presence of younger ears (when does it ever!) but we had the pleasure of even more Chinese culture. Red envelopes were handed out to regular sinners, and with trepidation opened, no anthrax was luckily contained, but even worse, instructions to drink, choose or Bonus! The lucky Bronco Buster won the Bonus and pulled three further ‘happy lucky’ hashers into the circle for their down down. The circle in fine voice kindly requested the Aniversaroids Flip Flop (310 runs) and Blah Blah (50 runs) to ‘get a life’.

On On!!

P2H3 - Run #834 Australia Day / Robbie Burns Hash

Click it will get bigger! (if only!)

Date: 27/01/2008  RUN STATS

Hares: STD, Excellent Choice, Mr Tinkle 

Run Report: Ikea

Koh Dach’s mad dogs cannot sate their lust for virgin hasher blood.

Run #834 saw two hash virgins have their blood sucked by canines. A great initiation to the sport of hashing. Down downs for both. Feeding animals while hashing is frowned upon.Not happy with only one visit to the Koh Dach Island, and the sit in traffic which awaits the truck as it tries to cross back over the Japanese Bridge, STD and Excellent Choice decided they would test the P2H3 Hashers resolve and go there again. This time only 8km ferry (compared to the 13km ferry two weeks before - where only real men hare!).

Several other notable incidents from this run:
*Experience counts for nothing. Veteran hashers Flip Flop and Phlegm have been running the PP hash since well before the last Khmer Empire ruled over Indochina. To the delight of all (except Herring Choker, who will know better next time), these two saw their Short Cutting Bastardry end in a swamp. Actually, before the swamp there was a painful tunnel of thorny undergrowth. And there was mud. Then there was the chest high wade across eel infested swamplands and the pleading for help from a 10 year old local. Phlegm’s little adventure ended with a moto ride back to the circle. Down downs all round.

*Wide Angle completed the shortest hash run in history (30 metres?) before bailing out for the walking group. Down down.

*Several blatant and self-confessed Scots (Rubbed Raw, STD), plus those who shamelessly fraternise with this degenerate race despite the risks (Sandy Crevices among others) plus a few others who clearly have red hair, were all punished for the crime of Robbie Burns day.

*Australians were punished for their recent Australia Day…… with beer!? Oh the inhumanity!

*Flying Plod proved he’s not just a man wearing a hat and walking slowly by engineering the naming of Lickety Slit. It took several conceptual leaps to get there but the right result was found. The confused Khmer hasher was later overheard asking Hash Rider at the Gates of Dawn, Tokyo Joe, the meaning of her name. ‘You are a fast walker’, he explained. Quite.

Finally, the hash witnessed its first UFO on the boat ride back to the mainland. What more can you want from a hash?

ON ON