Date: 16/08/2009
Hares: Milky Discharge, Horny Cow, Hit On Me (walk)
“ Run” Report: Yogi Bra
Iran, Afghanistan, even the 2008 US elections were no match for the P2H3 General Erections in terms of sheer anticipation and breath-taking upsets. Perennial dark horse candidate Paddington Bra could’ve pulled a Ralph Nader, dividing the hash and wooing the undecideds, but she sacrificed glory and fame for the greater good of unity.
Before we announce the winners, there is the matter of the run. Milky Discharge and Horny Cow, in their swan song to the hash, devised a run that was sure to piss off everyone but the most hard core triathletes. That they themselves were no triathletes or even biathletes (though plenty fit) was no matter because they had performance-enhancing help: a motorcycle. Setting a trail on moto is no problem – for the hares. If you happen to be an unlucky runner, things are not quite as rosy. That’s why the end of the run saw Germinator and the Toxic Avenger with big, sweaty grins on their faces, and everyone else quite miserable. I can only report on the end of the run since I showed up several hours late, though right in time for the BBQ portion of the evening.
The only insight I can give to the mindset of the hares was something Milky said a few weeks ago, that he wanted to make a trail that resembled a giant middle finger. And that he did. So it was up one side of the river and back down the other, though when related to me by runners they added many curses to that description.
After much whinging and sweating, sausages in hand, the hash gathered on the banks of some little river near the killing fields and outgoing GM Blah Blah kicked off the circle.
The new Hash Mismanagement Committee members are:
Grand Master: Scoutmaster – a man whose voice I had never heard before that day, but we suspect greatness is lurking deep within. How deep is the question. His first act of GM-dom was to make us all get on our knees and pray. I like it, a good start, hashers have grown way too weak and soft lately. Perhaps caning is not too far off.
Religious Advisor: Hold ’em – like a Cambodian court case, Hold ’em was erected in absentia and expressed profound dismay upon learning of his new role. But he’s been performing this deep-South, bible-thumping preacher act for some time, and he didn’t show up – both recipes for a swift election. Clearly all his years in the US, living in the city of sin, or the city desperately trying to cling to its reputation of sin, gave him a healthy appreciation of the ins and outs of bad behaviour and the importance and futility of confession. Amen, brother.
Hare Raiser: Herring Choker – good choice, people jump when he yells, or even just when he sneezes. Nothing like the Vikings to instill fear in the masses. Hashers will be too scared to say no when he asks them to ‘volunteer’ to set a trail.
Hash Stats: Maynot – he shows up. Overdedication to the hash is a punishable offense.
Hash Cash: Little Boy – he did it once before.
Hash Beer: Runs Well – the most important job on the hash. Despite holding this title already Runs Well gallantly volunteered for this thankless job. Thank you.
Choir Master: STD – Can you carry a tune? Do you have the vaguest sense of melody or the ability to memorize even a single lyric? If you answered ‘no’, this is the job for you.
Hash Haberdashery: Mrs. Tinkle – Mr. Tinkle’s better half has impeccable fashion sense, great taste (in clothing) and is quite handy with a sewing machine. She will make a nice addition to the group.
Hash Trash: Wet Shag – who I predict will never, ever turn up at hash again. Ever. Anyone want to put some money on this? Little Boy – how much can you cover me for?
Webmaster: Henrik – another Viking, and the only man who runs with a full desktop consul and flat screen monitor strapped to his waist, we figured it was a natural choice.
Hash Flash: Shoots Blanks – are we changing his name because his wife is pregnant? Guess not. But he has produced some lovely photos, and has picked up Blitzkrieg’s uncanny ability to pop out of the bushes with a camera right in front of you, even though you’re sure you ran past him a minute ago.
Hash Bash: Cuntsultant, Check Around – Cuntsultant eagerly signed up for this honor, and Check Around said no to everything else, thus the match made in heaven. STD, who swears he is moving and will be nowhere near Phnom Penh during any bashes nevertheless insisted on retaining the right to criticize – er, consult on the proceedings. Godspeed.
Asst. GM, later changed to Grand Mattress: Yogi Bra – smarter than your average bra.
And there you have it, democracy at its finest. Will dissenters be welcomed or locked up and sued? Will Scoutmaster move the official hash capitol from BKK to Takhmao? Will Paddington Bra be placed under house arrest amid fears of a coup? Stay tuned for reports on the reign of terror that this new committee will shower upon the hash.
On On!
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