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The Muscle Wine Drinking Club With a Slimy Dyke Problem

Archive for January, 2010

Run #954 – Return of the Beast

Posted by p2h3hashtrash on January 25, 2010

Date : 24/1/10

Hare:  Runs Well, Ponleu Seng, Wannacracker (running), Sarsy (walking)

Run Report:  Blah Blah

And amongst the dust and heat the pack did cometh upon an irrigation ditch, where upon they met a coconut palm trunk for crossing.  Yet all did not cross with ease, and much splashing ensued.  And the pack did giggle at the discomfort of many of their number. [Malt 3:04]

From the depths of myth and time, we bring you a creature so horrible that locals fear to speak its name.  A curse, so terrible that even the sickest of Hollywood’s B-Grade horror movie cadre cannot bring themselves to think upon it.  Dogs tremble at its passing, trees wither in its wake whilst clean shirts mysteriously disappear from clothes lines.  I bring you, return of …….the Festering Chronic Masturbator! (insert scream here).

To counter this horrid, horrid threat upon all honest job seekers everywhere, the Scottish creature killers were summoned.  From the depths of Bulgaria, fresh from hunting sewer covered vampires, we bring you Abraham “Long Shanks” Van Helsing and from the mummy infested alleys of Quito we bring you Sir “Beowulf” Walter.  Drawing upon the powers of Robbie Burns they hatched a cunning plan and laid many a trap.

The first attempt was a preemptive strike by Sarsy, who tried to confuse the creature with his directions to the run site in Kandal Steung.  Unfortunately the rest of the pack was also confounded by his instructions.  Fortunately for the pack the truck driver was unable to understand English and hence remained clear as to where he was going.

The second attempt was to drown the creature by ensuring the hares crossed an irrigation ditch on a broken coconut palm trunk.  Unfortunately the trap was a little too enthusiastically set and they managed to catch Flock Ewe and Rasta Fairy instead and almost had  spectacular trapping of Yogi Bra who was caught by Wannacracker whilst pin-wheeling her arms and heading in a decidedly backwards, gravity assisted, direction.  In the end Long shanks set the trap off himself and Sir Walter decided he was going to forgoe the entire thing and join the walk.  Scoutmaster decided enough was enough, hitched up his shorts and waded through the ditch.

The next attempt to kill the beast was via the offering of a short –cut in an attempt to recreate the highly successful strategy of Mr Tinkle from the week prior.  Alas the beast spotted in the distance the voluptuous form of Flaccido Domingo and in his lust for employment, took off in pursuit, thus being led by Sarsy and his unwitting band of merry walkers to the half-way.

By now Fester, confidence somewhat shattered from the week prior, gave the whole thing up as an enterprise gone sour and joined Welcome In on the truck for a trip back to the finish.

The final attempt to finish off the monstrosity was made by the ever gallant GM Scoutmaster, who attempted to freeze the beast on a block of ice.  Apparently the plan also involved getting STD as drunk as possible, though how a wildly wielded wooden phallus fit into the scheme remains unclear.  However the beast appeared impervious to the ice despite Mr Tinkle testing it immediately prior to confirm it was indeed rather cold.

But alas as the sun set and the pack headed for Irrawaddy a low moan could be heard from the front of the truck where the beast had secreted itself.  And if one strained one could almost make out the words on the edge of hearing, “anyone gotta job?”

On On

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Run #953 – The Interview

Posted by p2h3hashtrash on January 18, 2010

Date : 17/1/10

Hare:  Mr Tinkle & Runs Well (running), Flying Plod (walking)

Run Report:  Blah Blah

After 14km the pack did halteth and wonder unto itself, “where the bloody hell are we?” And the hare spake unto them, “I’m sure the half-way is around here somewhere.” And the pack was not comforted. [Malt 3:07]

[Interview Hash Talk– take 1]

[Interviewer] So all, welcome to our new show, “Hash Talk

[Yogi Bra]  Good to be here Blah Blah.  My, your calves are looking chiseled tonight; most impressive.

[Interviewer] Er, thanks Yogi. Now can we start by having your opinion on the run?

[Mr Tinkle] Best run of the year.  Had a little drama, some uncertainty and we only lost one hasher

[Interviewer] You only lost one hasher?!?

[Mr Tinkle]  Well, technically we lost of few on trail however Sarsy managed to find his way home despite our best efforts, and Nancy was wearing cowboy boots so you could really claim he was the one lost, in a social sense at least.  However I will admit that we did lose Fester for the duration.

[Interviewer]  Er, the hash lost Fester, again.  So he’s still wandering Phnom Bassat?

[Beaver Shot] I’ve never seen anything like it.  The whole pack up and left.

[STD] There was the matter of the half way

[Interviewer] I’m not clear, please explain

[STD] Exactly

[Interviewer] Sorry?

[STD] Exactly.  It wasn’t clear.  Actually the walkers found a half way but the hares didn’t.  Come to think of it after 14km’s we didn’t find the end of the run either.  The truck had to carry us home.

[Mr Tinkle] Run of the year, clearly

[Interviewer] Thank you for that considered input, Mr Tinkle.  I understand that Flying Plod thought the walk was quite nice, well marked and a good length at 9.5km

[Little Boy]  Well he is comparing it to Darfur where “well marked” consists of a few burnt huts and squishy donkey droppings that gets between the toes.

[Flying Plod]  That’s slander.  Everyone knows donkey droppings are hard little nuggets.  And yes, I loved the run.  It had beer.

[May Not] Actually I seem to recall that we may have run out during the circle

[Interviewer] Run out of beer!?!

[Flying Plod] Bah, humbug.  You’re all soft.  Why in Darfur each of those empty cans would be priceless.  There was a good several hours of licking the insides and smelling the fumes in each one of those aluminum holders of heaven.  Yet they just threw them away; just like that (snaps fingers}.  Can you believe it?  Some of them even had some beer left in them!

[Interviewer]  We seem to be going off track here.  What was your perspective GM?

[Scoutmaster]  I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms Lewinski

[Interviewer] Er, thanks for that insight GM.

[Scoutmaster] I do have a semen stained dress though.

[Interviewer] And that’s it for tonight’s Hash Talk.  Stay tuned for Drinking with Buffalos, coming up next

[Mr Tinkle]  Run of the year, clearly.

On On

Posted in Run Report | 4 Comments »

Run #952 – Chlong Tonle

Posted by p2h3hashtrash on January 13, 2010

Date : 10/1/10

Hare:  Shoots Blanks (running), May Not (walking)

Run Report:  Blah Blah

And the pack did emerge from yonder choking dust and sought for the truck, for it held the cure for their thirst.  Yet though they did search near and far, no truck was found and they did cry unto the hares wtih voices so sweet and fair, “Oi, what’s this then?”  And the hares did quaketh, for they knew not what had happened. [Malt 3:06]

Chlong tonle. In literal Khmer it means “crossing the river”, in colloquial Khmer it means “giving birth”.  It was the latter experience of the two that the pack feared for once again, we were crossing the Mekong on the Naga ferry and the pain of going through the same run was evident on the faces of many.  Yet Akreiy Ksat commune is a practiced deliverer of many a fine hash, and she wasn’t about to disappoint this time.

The contractions started around 2:30 as a decent pack gathered at the train station to see what May Not and Shoots Blanks could conjure.  As per usual it was down to the ferry, a process that is now so ingrained in the pattern of the hash that the hash truck actually drove itself whilst the driver caught up on some sleep in the back of the truck.  There was a particularly painful contraction as we entered the ferry however with a bit of effort we managed to get the truck aboard..

Festering Chronic Masturbator managed to harangue Blah Blah about the duties of the GM and what must be done for his 300th run.  This didn’t bode well for Fester given that Blah Blah was standing next to GM Scoutmaster at the time who was slightly bemused by Fester’s confusion.

Once in Akrey Ksat things began in earnest and the waters broke with Myanmar visitor Queen Rider off to a flying start with Little Willy hot in pursuit (read that sentence as you will).  Sarsy bravely let the pack check whilst he undertook a forensic examination of the check point, ensuring the diameter was correct and the line of regulation width.  Flip Flop reminded us all as to how long he has been away by immediately checking a swamp.

There was much pushing, groaning and carrying on as the pack found itself out in ankle turning shrubbery.  GM Scoutmaster decided to head-first check the quality of the local rice crop as did Squint Westward, who clearly thought the GM was onto something.  Fester did a similar act much to the amusement of Cheap Date and Loan Shark who had somehow managed to get behind Fester; if that is indeed possible.

Eventually the half-way was found…… but no truck.  The pack felt aggrieved having missed out on the opportunity for a quick rest and a cold towel applied to the forehead.  After some running around the truck was located and the lynching rope surreptitiously tucked away.  As in all births there’s someone who goes missing and at this stage Yap Yap and Runs Well dropped off the radar.  Not to drop off the radar, much to the surprise of Sid, were Louise and Jenny Hill who had decided to see through the birth of this run through to its joyous, placenta riddled, end.

As usual the pack made its way home after a couple of attempts by Shoots Blanks to wrap the umbilical cord around the trail’s throat by losing his own trail.  Fortunately the pack had more sense than the hare and the true trail was found a few hundred metres away.  As it was the pack emerged from the cloying dust of the back road (the next paralleling road being in Prey Veng province) and into the waiting truck where Andrew Jeshke waited with his loaded camera to smack each hasher on the bum and bring him/her into the world.

There was relief as GM Scoutmaster convened the circle for, despite all predicting a difficult labour, Shoots Blanks and May Not had produced a rather pleasant run.  The ice was called out to cool down the pack and Yogi Bra was destined for a frozen derriere however due to her being so kind to the GM on the run she was allowed to stand whilst Fester and Squint Westward sent their nether regions towards sub-zero degrees.

Indeed Akreiy Ksat had produced yet another find run and will no doubt challenge us once again to “Chlong Tonle.”

On On

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