Run #968 – Dizzying Heights

Date: 25/04/10

Hares:  Yap Yap & Blah Blah (running), May Not (walking)

Steep slopes, dizzying heights, oxygen bottles and promises the eventually return for the bodies of the fallen.  These were the key features of the hash set out on Highway #3 at Kampong Tout that featured that rarest of Phnom Penh features, almost hills.  Yes, almost hills.  Hills were out of the question, too far, but pseudo hills aaah, a different story.  Hence with ice picks, oxygen bottles and sherpas in hand, Yap Yap, May Not & Blah Blah laid the trail.

The pack was promised a 7km trail; the hares erred.  Despite the halfway being exactly 3.5km the entire trail turned out to be 7.08km.  Clearly the hares were getting sloppy in their calculations.  This may be because of ANZAC day where one of them had been drinking since 6:30am that morning.

It was off into the tree lined paddy fields for the pack with Toxic Flop taking an early lead.  A wrong turn had him confounded as Flaccido Domingo of all people found himself in the lead with Spike.  Soon it was downhill, down, down to the valley floor of the mighty river known as “that funny little backwater”.  Germinator was first down closely followed by Little Boy who used his momentum to slide down and take most the embankment with him.  Laverne was close behind, clambering down the death defying slop with all the ease of a practiced mountain climber.  A depth of at least 10 metres was reached, how was the pack to rescale such heights?

After traversing a smaller hill in the midst of the valley, Vince Craig managed to find a way back up to the road, scaling the sheer cliff face with ropes and crampons, before heading off for another plunge towards the distant river where a hold waited.  It was at this point that a mob of goats appeared, being followed by a slightly embarrassed Toxic Flop.  The goats refused to comment as to why they were in such a hurry though one or two of them did have a funny gait.

The halfway saw the runners and walkers join before it was off again into the wild.  Dyke.com and Wet Pussy from Tel Aviv felt quite at home amongst the dust though some of the others were starting to tire.  But did the hares care, no.  It was a dizzying plunge once again to the river with Camel Smurf and Scoutmaster taking the initiative.  Chicken Little declared confidently that the pack needed to cross the river to get home, despite the fact the river had yet to be traversed.   This confidence resulted in Vince and Flaccido clambering up the opposite slope, passing eagle nests and the remains of dead climbers in their quest.  Little Willie meanwhile sauntered up the rather gentler slope to the left and found himself in the lead and close to home.

The circle convened and Scoutmaster ruled with an iron fist, though he may have been oxygen deprived from his climbing for he determined that Germinator would be RA for the day.  Needless to say the punishments were swift and all encompassing.

As it was ANZAC Day the hares went to Aussie XL for the on on where meat, more meat and meat for desert was to be had.  Little Boy and Blah Blah traded pork chops and lamb whilst Little Willie spent most of the evening convincing the staff that ‘all-you-can-eat’ means all you can eat.  Eventually he received another plate, with a VIP sausage to boot.

On On

Run #967 – Gorillas in the Midst

Date : 17/4/10

Hares:  Leking Duck, Mr Tinkle, STD (running) Chicken Shit (walking)

Run Report:  Blah Blah

To be read to the tune “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”…. hit it boys…

[The beer is cold]

on the island, a Bassac island
Leking Duck set the hash today
on the island, the damn hot island
Mr Tinkle leads the way

(Chorus)
On on on, on on on, on on on, on on on

Nancy’s walking today

On on on, on on on, on on on, on on on

Blah Blah’s gone the wrong way

[Porn Star’s here]

[Chicken Shit’s near]

[heat]

Near the village, the peaceful village
Scoutmaster’s following white paint
Near the village, the peaceful village
Virgin Euorkim is about to faint

(Chorus)
On on on, on on on, on on on, on on on

Two Hands declined to run

On on on, on on on, on on on, on on on

Frenchie’s melting in the sun

[beer is near]

Hush, Herring Choker, don’t fear, Little Boy
There is shade by the truck’s side
You lazy bastards, you sneaky bastards
You snuck on for a ride

[Hey, Barbie Doll crashed]
[Tea money!]

(Chorus)
On on on, on on on, on on on, on on on

Little Willie’s doing a check

On on on, on on on, on on on, on on on

Yogi Bra’s looking a wreck

[the end is near]
[swim]
[swim well]

At Duck Mansion, in the pool
Yap Yap is donning her best
At Duck Mansion, in the pool

STD’s showing his hairy chest

(Chorus)
On on on, on on on, on on on, on on on

Laverne’s cooling down

On on on, on on on, on on on, on on on

Flaccido’s scared he’ll drown

Oh the bare arse
Don’t fear, Schindler’s Fist
Oh the bare arse
Don’t fear, Schindler’s Fist

[The beer’s still cold]

Run #965 – Haute Cuisine

Date : 10/4/10

Hares:  Little Willy (running) Nancy (walking)

Run Report:  Blah Blah

“Thou ist racing!” declared the short cutting bastards as two runners did bolt towards the truck.  “Nay,” they cried, “we are but running from vicious dogs yonder.” And the short cutting bastards did look down the road upon the two yapping maltese and did but wonder as to the courage of their brethren  [Malt 13:13]

How to prepare Swedish Hash:

Ingredients – Swede, one.  Hashers, numerous.  Beer, lots.  BBQ one.  Meat (unnamed and cheap), lots.  Salad, optional.

Step 1:  Find Swede. Since we only have one at the moment it wasn’t too difficult; insert Little Willy here.

Step 2:  Send walkers astray.  This is best done by putting Nancy and his cigarette in charge of the walkers.

Step 3:  Leave truck driver in charge of getting the BBQ prepared. Not one of our smartest moves.

Step 4:  Mix hashers thoroughly.  A few decent checks along the banks of the Tonlé Sap soon had Blah Blah, Mathew and Westel Wirgin moving continuously from front to back.  The hash was mixed so thoroughly that there were even reports of STD checking, though video evidence may need to be procured before anyone gives this report any credulity.

Step 5:  Separate hashers.  A nice long stretch from near highway 6 back towards the Tonlé Sap soon had Wannacracker out front, Ambassador’s Orifice near the middle and Leking Duck waaaaaaaaaay back.

Step 6:  Remove exhausted hashers.  Herring Choker, Mr Tinkle, Leking Duck, Wannacracker & Yap Yap took advantage of this clause and slunk back to the start via a short cuts many and varied.

Step 7:  Strain hashers. VC was certainly looking strained as he hit the bushes, though not quite as strained as Chicken Little who was feeling the heat.  Even Camel Smurf was seen with a bead of sweat.

Step 8:  Cool hashers. Beer was plentiful in the lovely shady spot by the river where the bbq lay in wait.  Yogi Bra though was in fear of slightly more thorough cooling and disappeared before Scoutmaster could bring forth the ice.  How she managed to get back is unclear however since we haven’t read anything nasty in the papers we assume she made it back in one piece.

Step 9:  Serve with humour. Humour then was aplenty, especially with STD in particularly fine form as he wielded his wooden phallus with aplomb.  Hash voodoo was conducted by ring in RA Blah Blah in order to solve the problems in Thailand and Elaine Moore was dragged in for thoughtlessly have a birthday.

Step 10:  Wash down with sausages and chicken & beer. At least that’s what I thought happened.  Yap Yap and Tinkle Spinner kept the food coming and from the way the down downs were going I’m rather confident that Laverne kept the beer up.

And there you have it, Swedish Hash.

On On

Run #964 – Wabbit Season

Date : 4/4/10

Hares:  Blah Blah (running) Ranny (walking)

Run Report:  Blah Blah

And the hare did standeth before the pack and declare unto them, “there is a shorteth way, across yonder dried paddy, where lieth in wait the truck with cold beer.  Or you may taketh the longeth way across the….. oi….where are thy going?  I haven’t finished describing the long way yet!” [Malt 13:12]

The festive season had taken a toll on the pack as a number of hashers had fled the country to celebrate Easter.  The pack showed its true sense of religious awareness by the simple fact that not one member, not one, managed to attribute the fact that the small turn-out could be related to this event.  Everyone forgot.

We blame the Easter Bunny.  If that lazy little sod had done his job and dropped off the requisite chocolate eggs at the right time instead of swanning about the Northern hemisphere mucking about like some furry version of Hugh Heffner…….  here I’d like to insert a quote from Elmer Fudd, from the scene where he is playing the part of a Valkyrie and singing to the tune of Wagner’s classic “kill the waaabbit, kill the waaabbit, kill the waaaaaaaabbit, kill the wabbit”

So incensed was the pack at this derelict of duty that a Dog on Heat run was declared, in memory of that fine hasher whose anniversary of his departure from the hash fell around the same date.  This way the pack could slaughter an assortment of hares and relieve themselves of chocolate deficit derived hypertension.

Blah Blah was leading the run and the first hare pulled out of the hat was none other than Flaccido Domingo.  He was off, like the cunning bugger he is, twisting and turning amongst the lanes and fields of Phnom Pen Thmei.   Seeing he was about the get nabbed by Toxic Flop he turned the trail into wide expansive paddy so that Toxic Flop would be stranded.  It worked.  Toxic Flop snared the hare, metamorphosed into the hare and took off with the flour, laying a cunning trail at great pace.  The problem being that despite the great pace everyone could see him and short cutted to eventually catch him in a village.  It there that Little Willy made the snare, grabbed the bag and promptly collapsed as he knees gave way.  About 500m later Little Willy was also snared.

By this stage the pack had gotten close to home and it was hot, damn hot.  And whilst a certain amount of satisfaction can be derived from sacking and bagging hares, and then kicking them when they’re down with true hash sportsmanship, it wasn’t enough to keep the sun at bay.  hence the weary pack trundled straight back with Camel Smurf leading the way and Loan Shark wielding the flour.

Fortunately the walkers came back at the same time as Tips and Ranny had the sense to realize that the directions from Blah Blah “keep going down the road and I’m pretty sure there will be another road to cut down at some stage, maaaate,”  failed to inspire confidence.  They brought with them visiting hasher Schindler’s Fist from Boston who, for reasons only known to Scoutmaster, featured heavily in the circle.

The circle didn’t take long, the ice stayed on the truck for fear it would just dissolve in the heat and the majority of the pack retired to a Khmer-Thai place called Callme up from Tell.  The food was good, the beer flowed, and we all ordered rabbit.

Kill the waaabbit, kill the waaaabbit, kill the waaaaaaaabbit, kill the wabbit.

On On